I never thought that it would be this difficult to come back to Christ. It's difficult not because I really don't believe (as some people may assert) but because my heart is hardened in a way. I have let so many things that are not of God into my life. Even though it was for a short season and things that were really not all that bad (probably the worst thing is swearing and okay maybe the increase in masturbation, but thats about it), I still feel like I am not as close to God as I was.
I do see a difference though. I was trying to do my whole Christian walk in my own strength. My "walk" before was about my ego and not looking bad before man. I made sure I looked and sounded very "Christian" to everyone, but many times my thoughts about people and situations were not very Christlike. I was a huge phony as a Christian in the past. I never confessed my struggles. I was very pious. I was more worried about what other people were or were not doing over being concerned about my OWN standing before God.
I am still not working (I haven't had a steady job since 2007!) and all of that time I could have spend growing closer to God. I guess He dealt with the pride and phoniness in me that He needed to. My desire is to live right (and steadfastly) before Him and not worry about what anyone else is doing.
I'm also really excited about easter this year. If He was never resurrected, then there wouldn't be an easter and there wouldn't be Christianity. I cannot wait to celebrate.
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